That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
