This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
