my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Randomize
