just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Even my vagina gasped.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
