...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize