So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
