and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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