My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
do herpes really smell.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
