If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Randomize
