I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
