Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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