I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
