I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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