First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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