Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
