So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
