Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
