Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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