I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
