I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Randomize
