Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
