chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
