i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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