My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
