Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Dick very happy bro
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Randomize
