Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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