underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize