So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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