I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
