Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
