I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
