awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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