my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
