If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I think my vagina is haunted
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize
