I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
