moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
someone owes me an orgasm
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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