I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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