Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Randomize