Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
