a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
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