I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Please, let me fuck your mom
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
