Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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