Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Drake has all the answers
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
