I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
