I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
