I am puke
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Randomize
