He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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