How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
