Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
