Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
