Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
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