I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
