the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
im on a boat
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