oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
