can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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