The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
