The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
