hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
