i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Are my feet made of real feet?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
