sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
