Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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